Today it struck me out of the blue that I used to have a relationship with writing. I loved it, I obsessed with it, I detested the struggles of the process, I spent hours and hours at night figuring out what I really think. In fact, I was sure writing is my calling (I’m serious) and that some day I’ll be a Writer. Whatever that means in the world of ELT, which is the world I’m in deep I guess – and I like it here.
So anyway, today I remembered about “my calling” and not in a way that made me feel sorry for myself, or worse blaming myself for not publishing a single paragraph on this blog for 6 months. No, that was a different way, a more reassuring way, self-loving, encouraging, and practical. Someone in this tiny shoebox of an apartment in central Tokyo whispered to my ear, “just write where you’re at now, be honest, that will suffice.” So I heard that kind someone (that was, of course, some nice side of me), and here I am, writing.
***** What’s happening? *****
On April 4th, after exactly 4 years in Japan, I’m leaving. It’s a choice I’m very confident about, and one I am making at the exact right time, I believe. I came, I saw, I understood (or tried to). I worked hard, I learnt, again and over again, how to teach, I found ways in which I want to develop. I made friends and built relationships that I hope will last a lifetime. I travelled, so now I know there’s so much more to see and to live, so many teachers to work alongside, that I can’t possibly forgive myself if I stay HERE any longer.
Besides, the beaches, the sandals, the dresses. These are all calling me, too! 🙂
And now to the tough parts that came along with my decision and have been the cause of many sleepless nights, heartaches and headaches in the past months.
I quit and so I won’t have a job till I find one… that could be till July or August, that could very well be longer. Since 19, I haven’t had a 6-month stretch of time when I’d be absolutely jobless, not teaching in any form or shape of it. So I guess that’s a first. And the anxiety that’s creeping in, the uncertainty, the possible doubts about my professional skills or rather lack and loss of such, all of those I foresee as my nasty companions in the months ahead. I do have plans, projects, and ideas how to keep busy and in touch with my profession (in addition to actually looking for that job), but those will probably not be classes, with students in them… That’s my worry.
And that’s my story, or a glimpse of it anyway. At the moment I’m keeping busy packing, organizing, recycling, sending boxes, calculating expenses, meeting friends, walking the streets of Tokyo, eating all the raw fish I can. I am also sleeping in – because I can’t fall asleep when those dreadful evenings come and all my fears turn up the sound in my head. I am binge-watching everything and anything almost regardless of the theme or interest – because I get so overwhelmed looking at the to-do lists and it’s my comfortable escape. Every day I feel I should have done more, but I never do. Every day my will power loses a tiny bit more of its “power” – and leaves me a little less content with myself, disliking me a little more. And it’s just been two weeks. What will I be by May?…
I am writing this on my phone and it feels good, if not quite a release yet. Today, I might even pat myself on the head.
Thanks for being here, as ever, my faithful readers, if there are any of you left.